In which some jerks act like jerks.

I had an encounter awhile ago. A few months ago. I didn’t post about it at the time, because I was somewhat tired, a little upset and I was about to make dinner.

I was walking to the shops in the evening, going to pick up some food for dinner since we had nothing in the house and I was hungry. I get a little anxious sometimes walking around at night. Our area is not the greatest one around. Apparently for where we live this is the slums of our area, but I tell you they’re much nicer slums then when we lived in a capital city. Much nicer. Our area strikes me as strange. There’s a potential for dangerous things but usually people are just drunk/on various drugs and they just sort of shout at you - or have really odd conversations. The odd conversations are often kind of funny actually - like all the times random people have asked me if I’m german, and would I like to have some pot with them. I guess I give off german vibes.
The odd happenings might just be a me thing - since it doesn’t happen to my housemate or boyfriend. How much of that is me and how much of that is because I’m the only female in the house I can’t be sure. A bunch of the weird encounters have been akward guys with romantic thoughts. There have only been one or two times when the people talking to me have stricken me as actually dangerous.
Anyway - I was walking to the shops. This was fine and dandy. It was walking home from the shops where something happened.

Not too far away from my house there are these five or so drunk guys standing by the side of the road outside some apartments.
They yell something like hello, and I say hello back. We start talking. They confirm part of my self-consciousness, by being convinced that I’m on drugs even though I’m not. I… I don’t know. Apparently I’m a little strange in the way I speak, like the timing. N’I have an accent for some reason even though I’ve lived in Australia all my life around Australians. N’I guess I’m a little eccentric. So they thought I was high?
One of them even gets out his camera phone and holds it up to my eyes to check how they’re dilating and stuff and reports back to his friends “No, she doesn’t seem to be on drugs.”
Weird. But okay. We talk for a bit. I mean to continue on to my house, but they keep talking and it seems rude to just walk on by.
They’re tourists come in from New Zealand, I ask them how they’re liking Australia. They like it. They seem nice and conversational, but I’m weary. See. Another girl walks down the street, and one of them rushes off to talk to her and pull her in the way they pulled me in, but she just walked on by, and the guy who was trying to talk to her got all annoyed.
At one point one of the guys says to me something like “Why dont you two hook up, you’re single, he’s single”
I put on a little perplexed frown and tell them that I never said I was single, and that I’m not single. I have a boyfriend at home. He’s all like “Well, he doesn’t need to know” and my frown becomes a little more pronounced.
We move away from that topic onto something else. They invite me upstairs to join their party and I say that I really must decline.
They ask why, and I say I’m going home with my dinner-food to cook myself some tea. I’m hungry and I was just watching the television. I’m up for a boring night.
They say not to worry about dinner, one of them is a chef in training and has some great food upstairs. I say sorry, but I’d rather not.
They keep pressing me to go in, and I tell them that I can’t really. It’s not safe for a lone woman to go into the apartment of five random drunk guys she’s never met. They might be nice people, but I’m not willing to take that risk.
They get mad, especially the one I’ve been talking to for the longest. Like “why would you think that?” and I’m like. “I on’t know. Lots of girls get sexually assaulted, I don’t know you. You seem nice, but surely you can understand why I just want to go home.”
Him: “Did you hear that guys! She said I was going to sexually assault her!”
Me: “No. I didn’t. It’s just I don’t know you, there’s lots of you, and you’re all drunk. Can you see why that would be worrying?”
He storms off, and one of the dudes asks me if he can walk me home. I say no. and think to myself that I don’t need these creepy fellows knowing where I live. He keeps insisting he walk me home, and I keep telling him I’m fine. (If I were to censor my movements by walking with the protection of a male, it would be so I could be protected from _this_ type of crowd.)
As we discuss this - the guy who got mad at me and stormed off, along with some of his friends spray me with their hose while they’re on the balcony.
At which point I pretty much give them all the finger and seethe off.

Grr.

Names have been changed to protect… Err. Everyone involved.

Mr. X is the guy who stalked me in the past, which is a relevant name to know if you’re reading this story.

Cellycel says: I was going through my friends friends pages and I came across Mr. X’s livejournal that way.

Cellycel says: That was interesting

Marcus says:I actually said to him today, that I almost hit him during that time, but reassured him that he wouldn’t lose my friendship out of being emo

Marcus says: but I would like to know, what was your reaction?

Cellycel says: Not too great. I found the journal at a bad time I imagine.

Cellycel says: ‘Cause he had that history of Mr. X thing up, mentioning past business and so mentioning me.

Cellycel says:I don’t know… can you imagine telling someone to get out of your life because they seem scarily obsessed with you around two years ago and then stumbling across recent writings by them where you’re mentioned? It was akward, but I’m sure it was bad timing.

Cellycel says: Also: I feel Susie should have known better then to encourage him that he could be friends with me in the future. I’ve been meaning to talk to her about it, but I can’t imagine that conversation would go well, so I have not.

Marcus says:
okay, so he expresses contrition, and yet you’re still narky about it? He’s gotten over it.

Later in the conversation he tells me that he’s inclined to take peoples words with a grain of salt, especially if the people talking are women and he asked me not to get offended.

Mt response was pretty subdued - to say the least.

It’s pretty hard not to be offended by the notion of taking womens words as… as more likely to not be worth a grain of salt. (I think I constructed that sentence poorly) especially in the same conversation where you told me feeling arkward after reading Mr. X’s journal was me being narky over somethng he’d gotten over.
I’m saying this rather calmly, definately mincing my words here, so I hope you don’t think I’m still being narky.

Frankly I just think I’m poor at this ‘responding’ crap. I do that ‘not wanting to seem mean or irrational or anything’ thing.

Rape is not funny.

Today I’m going to be a lazy blogger, like I have been lately. I want to talk about how making jokes about rape isn’t funny. Just going to cheat by copy pasting this little quote from my piece on jokes and joking. (Really, rape jokes are just something under the original jokes and joking thing. Just, more specific. For full understanding, reading that piece could be good.)

“What we laugh at is bound tightly to particular cultures so that there are not many jokes which travel well and in fact many jokes don’t work outside the social word from which they arose. Many jokes depend for their effect on a shared sense of ridicule for particular individuals and groups and if the values underpinning the joke are not shared then it is more likely to be a source of offense then humor.
We have all heard jokes that were not funny because they touched our values in an offensive way rather then amused us. Racial jokes, ethnic jokes, sexist jokes, political jokes all depend on the joke teller and the joke listener sharing stereotypes and values. It isn’t such a long shot to argue that by telling jokes we invite others to share, and perhaps reinforce those stereotypes and values.
Telling and listening to jokes is not just an amusing way to pass the time: it is an important way by which groups can maintain a shared sense of values.
Marie Emmitt & John Pollock, Language and Learning, Oxford University Press, 1991

What you laugh at tells a lot about who you are, and what values you hold. People tend not to laugh at things that are touchy subjects to them. People tend to laugh at other people who hold values the joker doesn’t share.
If you’re a conservative who hates the democrats perhaps you’d joke about dems but wouldn’t take a joke about your own party so well, and vice versa. Laughing tells people what you value, or what you don’t value.

What values does a rape joke hold? I’d say someone telling rape joke doesn’t value the victims of rape quite as much as they might think they do.
I’ll hear folk telling rape jokes but say they detest real rape. I’m not saying that people who tell rape jokes are rapists, or that they think rape is cool or acceptable, but I am saying that joking about rape makes rape a light subject. It takes the seriousness of rape away, if only for awhile. And thats bad.
I’m not really sympathetic to the “lightening it makes it a less scary thing, and it takes the fear of rape away” There are a few reasons for that and I don’t really want to go into them, but I can especially say that I’m not sympathetic to those sorts of arguments coming from people who have never been raped. I’m especially unsympathetic to those arguments if they’re coming from men who have never been raped, and have never been afraid while walking down the street at night that someone might take them into a back alley and then kill and rape them.
If you’re a man and you haven’t experienced the sort of fear that comes from rape. Then I especially don’t like it when you say “it just makes the situation lighter.”

Never having felt the weight of the situation, how would you know what affect jokes have on lightening the situation? Perhaps jokes could be painful reminders to people around you who have actually been there.

Think again to that big-ass-quote up there. What we laugh as is tied to our culture. How do you suppose laughing at rape effects our culture? What happens in a culture that thinks rape is funny?

Just some questions for you is all.

Childfree

In the egl community on livejournal a childfree lolita community was announced. I like lolita, and I don’t really plan on having children (I think I would be a terrible mother.) So I thought I’d join.
But really - I don’t/didn’t know much about what the term “childfree” entails. It’s meant to be a big ol’ community thing. I thought I’d look into it.

I’ve been reading this website for the past ages:
http://www.happilychildfree.com/

Now, there are things this person was talking about that I don’t agree with. A general mocking of people on welfare as well as what appears to be a good dose of classism, but I put that down to the person writing the blog. They even say that not everyone in community agrees about these things. So, this childfree person says some things that I disagree with, but I’m not going to take that as a representation of the whole community.

At one point they say something like all the seeming misogyny in childfree communities can be put down to the fact that a lot of the people who bother them about their lifechoices are mommies.
Some red flags go up.

I read this page:
http://happilychildfree.com/glossary.htm

Warning bells go up more. This is meant to be a page with commonly used lingo in the community. The number of gender specific insults against women seems… uhhh… high. I’m going to list all of the gender specific glossary terms, first listing terms for/about women, and then listing terms for/about men.
For a bit of background reading about gendered words and the power of words, I suggest checking out these articles by Laurelin.
http://laurelin.wordpress.com/2006/10/08/the-terrorism-of-words/#comments
http://laurelin.wordpress.com/2007/01/17/the-power-of-words-i/
http://laurelin.wordpress.com/2007/01/19/the-power-of-words-ii/
http://laurelin.wordpress.com/2007/02/07/the-power-of-words-iii/#comments

In fact, just go read her entire damned blog already!
*note to self, add her blog to your blogroll already.

Anyway, on with the list.

——————

Bint — A British term meaning a woman with no class. Often used on Childfree boards to describe trashy breeder women.

Entitlemoo — Entitlement-minded mother who thinks everyone should worship the ground she walks on and give her everything she wants and make her life as easy as possible because she’s convinced that giving birth earns her the right to be treated like a queen.

Lowing — Female breeders whining and bitching. Also known as “mooing.”

Martyr Mommy Brigade — This new breed of mommys who crave attention and sympathy so much that they’ll go to any lengths to get it.

Mombie — Combination of the words Mommy and Zombie. Occasionally used to describe a woman with placenta brain — she’s turned into a “mombie”.

Mommy — Any woman with kids that you just can’t take seriously. I prefer this to the word “moo.” They think of themselves as nothing more than “mommies” so I think we should think of them as nothing more than mommies. They aren’t grown women, they aren’t ladies, they are JUST mommies. They don’t even like the term “housewife” because they don’t consider themselves wifes — just mommies.
I use this to show how little respect I have for women who consider themselves no more than “mommies”. I’d rather use this than the word “moo” to describe them. She’s not a grown woman, she’s not a lady, she’s JUST a mommy.

Mommy Identity — When a woman’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a mother. She’ll go to great lengths to make her kids totally dependent on her for as long as possible to secure that identity out of fear she’ll have to get a new identity and/or get a job.

Mommy Voice — The voice some breeder women use when they talk to you in a snotty, superior tone as if they were speaking to one of their children. Makes you feel sorry for their kids.

Mommyism — A form of feminism that focuses on getting special rights for mommies and screwing over childfree women and men in the process. Example: Mommies want flextime in the office, but don’t think anyone but them should get it.

Moo — Usually stands for “Mother Obsessed with Offspring” or “Mother Oblivious to Offspring” although sometimes it just means a breeder woman.

Mooing — Female breeders whining and bitching. Also known as “lowing.”

Oblivamoo — Combination of “oblivious” and “moo” …a clueless mother who is either totally ignoring her child’s bad behavior or is just totally clueless about how to be a parent.

Placenta Brain — this describes the disease that happens to many women when they have children. Can also happen to men with children. Symptoms of the disease include: talking about nothing but their pregnancy and/or child(ren), losing all hobbies outside of their children, inability to hire a babysitter, lack of consideration for other people, saying really stupid things, and generally just being an idiot. In some cases, this condition clears up when the children all enter school, but in many cases they never recover.

SAHM, SAHMoo — Stands for “Stay at Home Mommy” (or “Stay at Home Moo”) In other words, unemployed mommy or what used to be called a “housewife”. Sometimes pronounced as “Sham”.

SHAM, Sham — Just a mocking term for “Stay at Home Mommy” (or “Stay at Home Moo”). In other words, unemployed mommy or what used to be called a “housewife”.

SMUM — Smart, Middle-Class, Uninvolved Mother. Basically, the yuppie, suburbanite mothers.

Stork Parking — Any parking that is reserved for pregnant women or women with children. You know, anything that encourages them to get as little exercise as possible. We wouldn’t want our young mothers to be HEALTHY, would we?

Tit Nazi — Overzealous breeders who are obsessed with breastfeeding in public, and yelling and screaming at people about how “breast is best,” bullying other women into breastfeeding, and bullying businesses into relaxing their public decency laws to allow them to whip their tits out in public. Beware of the tit-nazis – they are a very angry bunch with too much time on their hands.

THJITW– Stands for “The Hardest Job in the World” – Mantra of the Stay-at-home-mommies to make themselves feel less insecure about not working. If they weren’t so insecure, they wouldn’t have to claim they are superior to everyone else. Personally, I can think of a lot harder jobs than sitting at home with your own kids – like watching someone else’s bratty kids that you don’t like and aren’t allowed to discipline or scold in any way. So apparently there ARE harder jobs in the world – like being a day-care provider.

TMIJITW — Stands for “The Most Important Job in the World”. Mantra of Stay-at-home-mommies to make themselves feel less insecure about not working. If they weren’t so insecure, they wouldn’t have to claim they are superior to everyone else. Most of these women couldn’t last a day without disposable diapers, DVD players and their monster-sized strollers, so apparently there ARE more important jobs in the world – like the people making disposable diapers, DVD players and strollers.

Womban — Technically, any woman who has at least one kid, although more specifically used to describe gals with kids that want “special rights” to go along with that. Basically, this term is used when you don’t want to malign the whole female gender — just the ones who are the problem. The plural is “Womben”.

Yup Moo — Yuppie or middle class mommies who think they and their kids are superior to all the “peons” in the world. Their children truly are nothing but accessories and they take the kids everywhere to show them off, and they overschedule them with lots of extracurricular activites to show off their “unique” talents. Yup Moos love tell you about all the things THEY would never lower themselves to do, to prove they are far suprior to others. You’ll need a barf bag to be in the same room as one.

——————

Dud — Loser male breeder.

Duh — Slack-jawed, clueless male breeder.

Golden Boy — This is the son born to some sexist jerk who thinks he MUST have a son, and no daughter will be good enough, and then when he finally gets the son, he spoils him rotten.

Sperm Donor — The father. Sometimes used to describe a man who didn’t want to actually RAISE kids, he just had them for the Kodak moments or to please the wife. Also used to describe how some women only use men (even their husbands) for their sperm.

Wallet — Usually used to describe the husband of a SAHM. She uses him as nothing more than a paycheck. Also could be used to describe someone paying child support.

——————

Ouch. If I counted right, there were 76 words in that list. 22 of them were specifically relating to women (pretty much all of them insults/slurs.)
5 of them were related to men, and two of those five can be used to describe terrible behaviors of women.

Ooooh~

*suspicious*

" "I support homosexuality" :D "

“Why on earth do people come out with trite crap like that?
It may have good intentions behind it, but really if you think about it it’s patronizing as hell and completely pointless.
Do gay or bi people walk up to straight people and say “I’m not straight myself, but I support straight people!”
No.
Because it’s a sexuality. It doesn’t need your support.
It just is.
It’s pretty much someone saying “I approve of your sexuality”
I don’t need your approval! Fuck off!

It’s almost as pointless as people saying
“Aww, you’re gay! I love gay people!” or “Gay boys are cute”
Bollocks.
You can’t love “gay people”, there are too many of them and not enough time.
Gay boys are just boys who are gay. They are not cute. They are individuals. Some are quite hideous and make small babies cry.
Just because they like the cock doesn’t automatically make them cute!
…unless you’re also gay very drunk and very horny and the lights are quite dim.

Anyhow. I was going somewhere with this.
Yes.

If I walked up to a group of black people and said
“Aww! You’re black! I support black people”
I’d probably get a free ride in an ambulance.

If you honestly don’t have a problem with people who have different sexualities to your own, then treat them ‘normally’.
Don’t patronize them or make them feel like they should be grateful that you accept or approve of them. They don’t need your approval.
It’s a sexuality, not a show dog.”

A gay man on a forum I regularly visit wrote the above as a response to seeing a topic somewhere else with the title “I support homosexuality”
Inside the topic, everyone was praising the original poster for their views.
There are bits I wouldn’t say myself. I wouldn’t make the comparison between the treatment of heterosexuality and the treatment of homosexuality because one of them is a privileged group and the other isn’t, but the point still stands. People in oppressed groups don’t need strange useless seeming people making them feel awkward.
They’re still people, so treat them like you would anyone else.
I would have left out the analogy between being gay, and being black. For one thing, comparing oppressions isn’t cool and for another it suggests to me that black = violent.

I thought I’d post it here anyway in an unaltered form, to get it a bit of a larger readership. Only like 10 people go to the forum it was posted in. The username of the guy who write it is ‘Ebil” N’he gave me permission to reproduce it.

ITT: Cellycel admits to being a terrible person, and yammers on too much about D&D.

There was a guy at my old work who used to complain about his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend a lot. In doing so, he made quite a number of jokes about women. Now, I put up with this the first few times, and called him out on it later.
He told me that he was a misogynist, and replied that I was a feminist. He told me that feministsw ere what made him a misogynist. If I were wittier I would have said that misogynists were what made me a feminist, but instead I had to get back to doing my work.
When we got a chance to speak again I was all “So… you actually hate women? And you’ll like, admit it?”

He told me he didn’t hate women really, he was just very angry with his ex-wife, and I raised an eyebrow and got on with my work.

Well - I just saw him again tonight at a big old games day being held by the universities roleplaying society. One event was a giant oneshot D&D game (In which I did not take part.) there was two teams of player characters. One team was evil, and the other team was good. The evil team were powergamers, the good team were not.
So, they play. Each team has to recover one item. (The good team are getting a breastplate, the evil team are getting a crown.)
As they go through, the good team learns that the two items put together will cause a great evil to arise, so they destroy the crown. Then they tell the (very powerful) evil guy they were fetching the crown for, that the other team destroyed it.
Then someone from the good team tells someone from the evil team about this whole “blaming it on you” situation.

So the evil team get pissed. They’re like “Well, if you’re screwed us, we’ll screw you!” and the good and evil teams fight. The evil team beats the fucking pants off the good team.

My old workmate is on the good team. He got pissed off. Like really pissed off. He was the only person to be angry with the situation. He called one of the guys on the evil team a dickhead, and said he didn’t want to play with people who acted that stupid.
My first thought was “Well don’t play, no loss to us.” but what I said was “You’re the only person who seems to think that was stupid.”

He said “Yeah, well I’m allowed to think that, and I’m allowed to express my opinions.”

What I thought was: “Yes, and we’re allowed to think you’re a dickhead for it and we could express it if we wanted”
What I said was: “Yes, but that doesn’t make you right.”

At which point his eyes bulged, and I was told not to fuel the fire by another dude. He says “Yes, but it doesn’t make you guys right either!” with venom. Oh it was venomous.

So, this time I said the first thing that came into my head: “No, it doesn’t, but you called him a dickhead first…”

So he apologized to the other guy for calling him a dickhead. The other guy brings up the fact that the good team acted dishonorably first, in a way that would get the evil tam killed, and responding with anger was only in character. My old workmate admitted that setting up the bad guys wasn’t nice, and apologized but still thought that killing their characters in return was stupid.
He left the room angrily.

I know he’s still angry right now and for some reason that pleases me. I don’t like that guy, and the fact that he’s angry, and I’m happy… Well. That’s pretty damned neat. He got _sooooo_ angry. N’he was the only person who really cared.
I’ve had shitty things happen to me by other team mates. Once our characters had been wandering through a swamp for like a week. My character decided “screw this, I’m leaving the swamp” so all the other characters killed me, and sacrificed me to their dark gods using my characters horse as a sacrificial altar, and then immediately left the swamp.
Considering they killed me because I wanted to leave the swamp. I thought this was shitty. I thought it was way more then shitty.
But what could I do? I could start a huge fight with all the other players, or I could make a new character, and get on with it to have more fun. I chose the latter.
I’m inclined to think most people choosing the former are being dickheadly. (Though it does depend on the situation.)

In this case, I totally think Mr. Misogynist was acting dickheadly.

Strangely, he invited me to play in a game he runs. He’s selective about who gets to play in his games, because he doesn’t like or want powergamers, or basher types, and he screens the games so people he doesn’t like can’t play. It’s interesting that he invited me to play. I don’t know if I’ll do it or not. I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he was all:

“It’s Vampire the masquerade, which means there will be sex themes. You’re you, and he’s him. That’s like a recipe for arguments right there.”

So I imagine I shouldn’t play in his game.

I might do it anyway though.

>.>
<.<

*is a terrible person*

Women in D&D - a short linklist.

Alright. There was this thread on the wizards of the coast board called “Astrids Parlour - a haven for women in gaming”

It was full of whiny young men talking about how women don’t need spaces to talk about gaming, because aren’t they just like everyone else? This is sexist! RARHRARGHRAGH!!!

The thread got pulled down and replaced with a lss controversial “How to support women in gaming”

See how the first title was a place for women to talk, and the second title seems to imply to me a place where men can talk about women? I’m not sure I like that.

Here’s some links anyway.

http://www.additiverich.com/morgue/archives/002101.html
http://peaseblossom.livejournal.com/448610.html

Argh! You know how ages ago I was annoyed because I got in this big old fight with a friend who told me that the image from 300 of the white guy kicking the black guy down the well with the phrase “go back to Africa” on it wasn’t racist, because it was just taking the sentiment from the movie, and wasn’t intended to be a racist phrase?

Well, today he told me the term “bitch” isn’t sexist, because you can call men and women bitch.

Geez…

*Stupids*

I visited my boyfriend’s parents yesterday, and got into something of a large argument with the beau’s mother.
See, the last time we went up, we watched this documentary thing on graffiti and street art in Melbourne. A lot of the artists had their own political agendas, mostly liberal white boyz saying their piece. There was this funny one where someone drew a picture of bush on the sidewalk saying “piss on me” which made me giggle. Imagine walking on that sidewalk ey?
Anyway, since what they do is illegal a lot of them were wearing masks for the documentary. Cute ones and silly ones. One apparently had some mask from warhammer, only with their own decorations on it, one had an internet cartoon on it, and one in particular had a Ned Kelly mask on.

Mr. Ned Kelly talked about the media, and corporations and what not. Most of them did to some extent. He was a liberal white boy himself. He also put up pictures of Ned Kelly all over the place, said something about reviving the romance of our history or something like that.
So’s I was thinking, and said out loud that there wasn’t anything romantic about the days of Ned Kelly. That was colonialism in its peak, and how can someone who is against systems of oppression start glorifying colonial times.
I said I thought that maybe since Mr. Ned Kelly was a rebellious figure that maybe it was rebelling against colonialism, but I doubted it. So then my boyfriends mother started talking to me, and the racism of colonialism was brought up, and how the effects of it linger on to today, and all this. She seemed to get annoyed because I was saying that aboriginals deserve this country and we took it away from ‘em, and she tells me about how white people are here now, and what are we expected to do? All leave the country? And I was like “Jesus, I don’t know”

So when I went to see her yesterday, she asked me if I was part of any aboriginal rights groups. When I told her no, she said that’s not the impression she’d got from our last visit.
Basically she brought up the subject so she could pick a fight. My boyfriend told me that she really enjoys arguing.
She asked me what I thought of the new restrictions at the aboriginal communities, and I told her I thought banning porn and alcohol for aboriginal people and not white people is fucking racist, and she agreed.
I told her I’d be cool with a nationwide ban on porn, because really I think it causes harm, and she agreed.
But she went on about how white people are disadvantaged, and how as a white person she had less scholarship opportunities, and all sorts of things, where I was like “JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES BECAUSE YOU’RE WHITE”
At one point she’s talking about strategies to help make black communities better, and she says “Well obviously giving them things doesn’t work.” and I got a bit mad at her.

The most ridiculous thing though is that we were having this big old argument, and we’re both ignorant white women. I kept feeling like I had to speak up because what she was saying was so wrong and ignorant, and what I was saying was very likely so wrong and ignorant as well.
Two ignorant white women arguing in a room about aboriginal rights. I read a book on aboriginal Australia, and I read some WOC blogs now and then, fuck. What the hell do I know about aboriginal rights? Nothing. Because they don’t matter to me in the scheme of things.

Because my boyfriends mother did this just because she likes to argue, the next time she sees me, it’ll be the same as always, we’ll chat about books or whatever, she might make lunch, well be friends again.
Because we’ve got the privilege not to have to really worry about what’s going on. We can afford to have an argument about something that “doesn’t matter”

Eck, Eck, Eck.

Nothing right about it.

I’m feeling drained right now. Perhaps too drained to really write, we’ll see how that goes.

At 5:00am I woke to a sudden start, I don’t know why. I remember I was dreaming, but that I didn’t die in the dream or anything like that. I was just suddenly, and startlingly awake.
My boyfriend was on the computer, with me sleeping beside him. Sort of how I’m on the computer, and he’s sleeping beside me right now.
After my sudden awakening, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I don’t know, I felt somewhat startled like there was adreneline running through me or something, but I don’t think that’s really what happened.

So I gave up, and crawled over to my boyfriend. I gave him a little hug and looked at the computer screen, where I saw him reading some manga scan. There were two girls talking to each other in a classroom.
He closed the window down, right away, and started to look at a website we both go on. I started to get worried. I shut down windows when he looks over my shoulder all the time, it pretty much doesn’t matter what I’m doing in the window, it just feels really uncomfortable if he looks over my shouler when I type things. (I had an ex who used to do that a lot. I don’t like it.) but he usually doesn’t care if I see what’s on his computer screen.

“What were you reading?” I asked him, and he brushed me off. I don’t know what he said… it would have been something to do with that website we go on, what something someone has done was. I was feeling suspicious. Fuck, more then suspicious. I had this feeling in my gut. He hadn’t been reading hentai, really, had he? I look down at the minimized folder, and it looks something like C:/Programs/Nvidia…
That didn’t feel good. Hiding things in random subfolders, not good at all.

I asked him what he was reading again, and he gave me a list of website names. So, I start to feel worse. He was hiding things from me. (And like normal, I wasn’t naming the things. I knew it was porn, but didn’t name it in my head.) I turn away for a minute, and look back, and that Nvidia folder was closed. I told him I had meant the manga, what manga was he reading.
He said “Oh that!” and started telling me about how he found this one meg scan, and wasn’t that amazing? Only one meg, the compression on that shit is great!” (Well, he didn’t swear, that’s my own thing there, I added that.)

So, I go to use the computer, check out some websites. I really want to check his most recent documents, because… I just had to know. He knew that was why I wanted to use the computer, and he looked over my shoulder, I think as a way to stop me from doing it. It stopped me for a minute or so, but then I looked. Yep. Hentai.

We had something like a four hour argument/discussion/thing, and I still don’t know the result of it.
I… he said he’d stop looking at it if it hurt me, but that rang hollow. I felt cheated, I felt lied to. He knows my stance on porn, he never seemed to argue it. I asked him what he thought of porn, and he told me that he didn’t like it, because no-one ever seemed happy. There was a subtext of exploitation I thought he was getting at there, and perhaps he was. Perhaps he doesn’t see hentai in the same light.
I don’t know. I didn’t expect to have this argument. Umm…

So, he nearly became not my boyfriend anymore a number of times throughout the argument. I’d say I didn’t want to date him anymore, and he told me he’d not download it anymore. I told him that the fact he downloaded it in the first place when he knew my feelings on the matter was hurtful, he said he tried to hide it so I wouldn’t feel bad and he’d “done his duty” (I got furious at that one. After hours of trying to explain each others points of view, my mind still boggles at that. Fuck.)

I felt trapped, he’s so damned reasonable and so damned rational.

I asked him at some point under what circumstances could I break up with him, without him being so damned logical. When is it reasonable for me to break up with him? He said “When you actually do it.” It reminds me of what Biting Beaver wrote about coersion, and I don’t like it.

So anyways. I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m writing this without any passion, but there have been tears for sure.

I…

There’s no second chances if I find he does this again.